The ending I wish I wrote
“For before this I was born once a boy, and a maiden, and a plant, and a bird, and a darting fish in the sea.”
– Empedocles
“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”
– Soren Kierkegaard
Growing up, I didn’t dream of being anything. Growing up, I survived. Survival is instinctual, and doesn’t take much thought. You can act with no hesitation when you subconsciously know that your body is in a situation that is truly fight or flight. These blinders go up that allow you to shut out the noise and focus on one humble task to get yourself through the day. Busy work.
These tasks take up time and space in your head, progressing you forward, but making no movement. Thought is a wondrous place to get lost, but a slippery slope. You remain a step away from a ledge like that from Alice in Wonderland. Should you choose the tiny mushroom, or the large, you remain the same, your perspective of the world around you the only variable.
Walling out the world, things become hollow. Views become distorted and messages mixed. Overlapping issues, but laser focused on something surface level shallow, creates a warped sense of place. Washing dishes, vacuuming the stairwell, both layered primal actions to enhance the environment around you. The environmental factor is truly essential.
You realize none of this in the moment though. Similar to something Kierkegaard would say, “these thoughts are of but temporal interest.” For the only real possibility of change is currently forward. There are no time machines at our disposal, as if that were the case, we’d probably be doing something more interesting.
When we begin tearing those walls down sensory overload takes over. Dismal is a world broken in your view. Fight or flight becomes fight. Your actions erratic. Rebounding from that settled state menial tasks provided, chores became jobs. Physical labor, grueling, no matter the industry. Beliefs broken create a frenzy, progressing through stages of grief at the loss of your imagined life. Dilemma’s arise with increased frequency. Synapse firing in our brain.
Unleashed, you’re finally, free.
Writing Rambling & Wandering took me about three months total, and brought me to some pretty dark places. The original release date was originally set for February 18th, two days before writing this; but life doesn’t always follow your plans, and was released on February 8th.
Today, my sister, that inspired me to originally seek treatment, is returning to her second round of rehab and bringing my book with her. Something that wouldn’t have been possible had I waited to release the book.
We live our lives wandering, wondering, and wishing for all of the answers. Failing to see that, on occasion, time takes on a sense of it’s own. Our actions are dictated by the world around us, our instincts guiding us, but have you ever stopped for a second to just appreciate the now?
Time dictates our sense of direction, no past or present without the reference of now. Yet every temporal emotion is reaction in some sense. Instinctively we respond to the stimuli in our environments. Emotions triggered, thoughts race, hands sweaty; your inner sense of security controlled by a world you have no control over.
Each of these moments, though, create a life. A sequence of events that bring us to our now. We so often fail to see the beauty in these little segments of time, it’s not until “life flashes before your eyes” that you realize life is fleeting. Every moment is precious if only you make it so. For each failure is another chance at success.
Beauty resides within each moment, no matter how hard it may be to see. An emotional reaction to news, or snapping at someone in the moment may be the bad news for the day. But we don’t know what tomorrow brings, that very same conversation could be the room for growth you or they need. It’s all about your perspective.
I’ve often questioned my faith in moments of death, especially those concerning youth. There is no good time when it comes to losing someone, but through the very passage of time that built those connections, wounds heal.
What’s never thought about in those moments though is the ultimate plan, the plan that mother nature has. What if in that loss, someone was saved a lifetime of pain? This doesn’t relieve the sting, or dampen the pain, but a thought to consider. Maybe sometimes you find yourself in a situation where your plans fall apart, so the worlds plans can fall together.
I’ve been rambling and wandering for a while now, it’s time to find my feet.
Rambling & Wandering out now!
